How to Rape – A Guide for Dummies

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A lot of people in the past few weeks have been talking about rape. The number of rape incidents in our country is rising faster than the petrol prices. The steady rise in the numbers makes me wonder : Is Raping someone that easy? So, considering the number of friends I have from Delhi and the surrounding regions, I have decided to share my knowledge on the said subject with the whole world. Let me, with the vast treasure of knowledge passed on by my friends, Movies, ,media etc, teach you how to rape someone in a few easy steps.

Step 1 : The Preparation : This involves the steps taken prior to raping someone.

  • Appearance : Make sure you’re wearing either a ‘Being Human’ t-shirt or a netted Ganji. Whatever is your choice, make sure that is at least 2 sizes  smaller than your regular shirt so as to give you a muscled look, even though in reality you are a smaller version of Ram Kapoor. Also, do not forget to carry your mobile phone, preferred model is any phone from China with 467 plus speakers. The cellphone should have latest Salman Khan and Akshay Kumar movie songs to set you in mood. The latest hits are “fire brigade mangwade tu…’ and ‘Fevicol Se…’  In case you’re feeling too macho, the cellphone can also be used to video tape your whole performance by your friends. Do not forget to have lots of Chowmein before your attempt to rape someone as it causes your body to warm up and hence gives you better effects. The Chowmein theory has been claimed and substantiated by eminent scientists from Haryana – The Khaps. I tried having lots of chowmein, but sadly, instead of increasing my libido, it just gave me ugly heat boils on my face, making me further unattractive to the opposite sex. Anyone who’s seen me, will know, that’s no easy feat. For the safety of my own family, I shall not refute the claim any further. Carry some Viagra for emergency, in case your manhood decides to run for its dear life. Also carry a knife and gun for some more adventure.
  • Location : Raping someone is like buying a flat in Bombay. Its all about the location, hence, choose the location with utmost care. Any location you choose, should be devoid of cops, but honestly, considering the attitude of our cops towards rape, it doesn’t really matter. Also, the place should have a shitty government so that you can go scot free just in case you’re caught. Considering the above points, the current best location in our country is, any random spot in the Delhi – NCR region. The closer to Haryana, the better. Also, the latest trend is raping in moving vehicles. Again, the bigger the vehicle, the better. Raping inside a vehicle is good as not many people can see whats happening inside a moving vehicle and also its easier to dump the victim in an isolated place and then drive off.
  • Victim : If you are from the Delhi – NCR region, your victim could be anything that moves. Further preferences include 1) should walk on 2 legs. 2) should be human (not absolutely necessary) 3) should be a woman (not necessary). Be careful when choosing a victim. As I have mentioned in my earlier post, DO NOT and ABSOLUTELY DO NOT go for anyone who’s reading 50 Shades of Grey as chances are that the person who’s reading it is more hornier than you are and you shall be the ‘rapee’ instead of the ‘rapist’  Try and get a victim from the lower caste as later you can use that as an excuse saying that they probably deserved it. Do not go for anyone under 13 years of age as that would make you a creep. Also, Child molestation laws in our country are much stricter as compared to rape laws which are funnier than this post.

Step 2 : The Act : Since this post is read by people of all ages who are ever so keen to judge me, I shall not explain this at all. A rape is usually like normal sex, the only difference is that in rape, the other person plays really hard to get and hence you have to use all your possible force in order to attain your ulterior motive. Also in order to shame your victim further, make sure you use no protection whatsoever. Be as quick as possible as swiftness is the name of the game.
Step 3 : The Finishing : Once you are satisfied that you have done your job, leave the place as soon as you can. In case you performed the act in a moving vehicle, make sure you have dumped your victim in an isolated place. This is also the time when the knife and the gun come into play. I shall explain no further.
Step 4 : Running from the LAW : Considering our government, our authorities, the police force, the politicians and our laws, there are major chances that you wont need to run away from the law as the law itself wont be able to reach you in any case.
Now, since you all are sufficiently disgusted with my post, let me announce that I, in no way, promote or support Rape or Non – Consensual sex. I believe we must have the strictest laws in place to not just curb rape, but to finish it completely. Also, only having laws in place wont help, have authorities who are competent enough to enforce them. Its about time we stand up and protect our mothers, sisters, girlfriends and every woman in the country.
Many people are saying that Castration should be the punishment for sex, honestly, if you want to teach a desperate man a lesson, let his organ stay, cut both his hands instead…..think about it…..

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